The Random Ramblings of Samm Diep

Poor Vegas...

Good news: I got my boy back tonight!
Bad news: He's dying...

It's a horrible thing to write but I came to the realization tonight that he's not going to get better. The reality is the chemo doses and his treatment will give him a better "quality of life" and maybe even tack on a couple months, but he's incredibly uncomfortable right now. It's tough to tell if it's the cancer or the treatment that's making him so miserable.

I feel so bad for him. Dr. Rha said he responded really well to his chemo last week and that the lymph nodes are almost back to normal, but when will my doggy be back to normal? I don't believe he's in pain, but he's so restless. He can't lay still for more than a few minutes at a time without getting up and pacing around and trying to find a new position. His non-responsive stares brought me to tears tonight.

There was very little tail-wagging. He would sit and lay down and sit up again. All the while just sort of wobbling in place like he was about to fall over or something. I rubbed his head like he used to like and laid down on the floor beside him. I whispered my usual, "Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? You are, Vegas. You are." which always gets a wag or two, but nothing...

My heart is breaking inside.
One powerful thing that I've learned from recently finishing The Last Lecture, is that Randy Pausch was thankful for knowing he had a terminal illness and how long he had left to live so that he and his family could be more prepared for his death. Instead of being in denial about it, he made videos, made "the" lecture (obviously), took lots of photos and just spent lots of time with his family that he'd be leaving behind.

I'm not in denial about Vegas's illness. It's not as severe as it could be and I don't really know exactly how long he has left. We were told best case scenario: three years. I am just going to do the best that I can to prepare for the worst, though we're never actually prepared for death no matter how much we think we are...

In case you haven't seen or read it, here's the inspiring last lecture:

posted by Samm @ 12/04/2008 11:24:00 PM